


5 Times Mordred Lost Control Of His Magic And The One Time He Didn´t

by Luisa1804



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Court Sorcerer Merlin, Destiny, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good!Mordred, Hurt Mordred, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Control, M/M, Magic, Original Character(s), POV Merlin, Prompt Fill, Protective Merlin, Sharing a Bed, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 11:42:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7616731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luisa1804/pseuds/Luisa1804
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt Fill: What if, since everyone knows Mordred is a Druid, he has problems controlling his anger/power and somehow they realize Merlin is the only thing that can calm him down. </p>
<p>Random suggestions on calming techniques; holding Mordred's head so that he can look upon Merlin's face only and to only listen to his voice, hugs etc turning into something more like other touches and then kisses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times Mordred Lost Control Of His Magic And The One Time He Didn´t

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys
> 
> 1\. English is not my native language. I´m still in school and still learning and I´m sure you´ll find mistakes in this story. I´m sorry and I tried my best. I´m glad about any kind of constructive criticism. Feel free to correct me so I can make my work better and learn something new!
> 
> 2\. This is a prompt fill. I added new things and cut some things out but I hope you´ll like it!

1.  
Merlin watches with a frown on his face as Mordred smashes his sword into his dummy. It´s much more forceful then required in training and Merlin is sure that Mordred is relieving some kind of tension or anger.  
He just hopes it´s not Arthur´s face Mordred is imagining.   
As soon as the thought crosses his mind Merlin cringes unwillingly. He and Mordred are long over this state of mistrust – Arthur has sat them both down and had them discussing their problems with surprising results.   
Turns out Mordred never knew of some kind of prophecy between him and Arthur and was actually so mortified about it – Merlin also showed him what the Druid-Seer had shown him on a water surface – that he had nearly bursts into tears and had thrown himself to Arthur´s feet awaiting his sentence.  
Arthur doesn´t hold any mistrust against Mordred and after seeing his reaction to the vision it´s hard for Merlin too.  
Merlin of course finally had to acknowledge his own mistakes too. Even he can admit that that apology for dripping Mordred as a child and nearly getting him killed in the process was long overdue.  
Now that all of that is out of the way – Merlin likes to think that he and Mordred have come to some sort of companionship. Maybe even friendship.  
With Magic finally allowed in Camelot and Morgana somehow vanished – they hadn´t heard from her in three years –it´s even easier to fall into some sort of friendship with the only other magic user close to Arthur.  
It´s not that there are no other sorcerers in Camelot who use their magic freely now that it´s allowed. But most of them are still wary in Arthur´s presence and since Merlin is with him most of the time –   
Besides Mordred knows many things about magic from his time by the Druids that Merlin is glad to learn about. In reverse Merlin tries teaching Mordred some of the more complicated spells that he has problems with.  
Of course Merlin is no longer Arthur´s manservant – as soon as Mordred told Arthur that Merlin is actually Emrys, most powerful warlock to ever walk the earth, Arthur sacked him and made him his official Court Sorcerer.  
Merlin still does most of the work of Arthur´s servant- old habits are hard to break and they both know that they would miss their easy companionship behind closed doors. But it´s been years since he had to attend anyone at a feast – he has a seat right next to Arthur for those occasions – or had to empty a champerpot.  
Mordreds frustrated scream rips Merlin out of his thoughts. Mordreds sword is plugged into the earth and he still vibrates with anger. The dummy is positively cut to shreds.   
Merlin is about to ponder whether he should go to him and ask what´s wrong or if Mordred just needs to let his frustrations out, when the dummy Mordred just destroyed and those around it burst impulsively into flames.  
Merlin jumps up from where he´s sitting on the floor enjoying his free day without council meetings and hears a maid scream from the other side of the training field.  
Without any further prompt Merlin breaks into a run towards Mordreds still shaking form. His eyes are huge and full of anger and fear – fear because even Merlin knows that the fire was not something Mordred wanted to do.  
“Mordred”, he exclaims and grabs Mordreds arm. He can hear someone calling for Arthur but he doesn’t pay them any mind.  
“Hey”, he wishers, gentler now that he has those huge eyes fixated on his face. Mordred reminds Merlin painfully of the time he was he scared child, hurt and hiding in Morganas chambers, knowing his father died outside his window in the courtyard. He swallows dry.  
Maybe it´s Merlins imagination but the flames look a little bit tinier and doesn’t seem to spread so fast anymore. It´s enough to give Merlin the confidence to go on.  
“You need to calm down, Mordred”, he says, gentle, gentle.”It´s alright, whatever´s got you so worked up – it will be alright.”  
He notices Mordred uneven breathing and lets his hand glide down Mordreds arm to take his hand and pull him down to sit in the grass. “Breathe, Mordred. It´s alright, I promise.”  
Mordred gives him a shaky nod and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.  
“Good”, Merlin mumbles and strokes Mordred knuckles in soothing circles.”Keep doing that, okay? Just breathe.”  
The flames are nearly out by now – just tiny sparkles that flow through the air. “See, it´s okay. It´s okay.”  
Mordred nods again before reaching his unoccupied arm in Merlins direction. Without thinking Merlin takes it and tugs softly to make Mordred come forward – before tugging him into his side into a careful one-armed hug. His other hand stays firmly around Mordreds.  
“What´s going on?”, interrupts Arthurs slightly fanatic voice. The flames are out now and Mordreds breathing is back to normal – he still makes no move to release himself out of Merlins hold. “What were you thinking?”  
Merlin can understand why Arthur is getting worked up about this – the people of Camelot still struggle with accepting magic as normal and bursting half of the training ground into flames will do nothing to reassure them.  
Even so Merlin can his feel annoyance sharp and hard. “It´s not his fault”, he says and even he notices how hard and cold his voices sounds.  
Arthur doesn’t say anything else while he helps Mordred up and to Gaius, just follows them and keeps his eyes on Merlins back.   
His Court Sorcerer has, after all, never spoken to him in such a manner before.

2.  
It´s a few days later that finds Merlin and Mordred sitting side by side on the stairs to a tower. Mordred is nervous and can´t seem to stop fiddle with his trousers.  
But that´s normal since the incident on the trainings field. Gaius couldn’t tell them what may have happened to Mordred – he and Merlin read a few books before it got to dark to see anything anymore but it all came to the same conclusion – uncontrolled magic like the one Merlin has used before coming to Camelot.  
Nothing unusual even if Mordred says he has learned to control his magic so well that that shouldn´t have happened.   
It´s just – it was pretty destructive magic and everyone knows that. Admittedly Merlin had the training ground and his dummies repaired in less than no time but it still makes everyone nervous.  
The citizen of Camelot - especially those who have problems with accepting magic are even more wary around Mordred and Merlin then before and those who trust Mordred to never harm them still throw side glances in his direction.  
Which as a result just makes Mordred more nervous about what happened then he would have been if everyone would leave him alone about it.  
“Are you okay?”, Merlin finally breaks the silence.  
“Yes”, Mordred answers and Merlin can hear the tension in his voice.  
“Good”, he says, “You know I don´t ask because I think you will blow the tower up, right?”, he asks as if an afterthought because being tactful was never one of Merlins strong points.  
“Yes”, Mordred says again and he sounds like he really does so Merlin nods satisfied. “I just – I know Gaius says that it´s nothing to worry about and could happen to anyone with magic but –“  
Merlin nods because he understands. Even thinking about his magic acting out of control like this makes him feel poorly.  
“It shouldn´t have happened”, he says because it´s truth not matter what Gaius says. It shouldn´t. Not like that.   
Mordred breathes deeply next to him. “My magic has acted out of turn before – when I was a child”, he says then. “You remember the mirror? In Morganas chambers?”  
Mordred stumbles around Morganas name as he always does since he had heard of his prophecy and has seen himself killing Arthur.  
“Yes”, Merlin says slowly. “But – that was a extreme situation was it not? I mean your father –“  
“Yes”, Mordred interrupts obviously not keen to hear the end of that sentence. “But that was not the only incident with destructive, uncontrolled magic I had as a child.”  
He´s quiet after that.  
“Do you remember what helped you to stop? To calm down?”  
“You”, Mordred says quietly as if he´s ashamed. “You helped.”  
\---  
It´s little incidents after that. A bowl shattering without Mordred meaning to do it. Splinter in the windows of his chambers. Flying dishes. Moving furniture.  
Nobody gets hurt but everyone is acting careful around Mordred now that it seems as if doesn´t have any control over is magic anymore.  
Arthur is tense and worried and no matter how much he likes Mordred and enjoys his company he doesn’t allow him to come to patrols anymore. Too dangerous.   
Merlin can see how that makes Mordred feel worse. He spends much more time with him now – tries to keep him distracted by asking his opinions in magical affairs he needs to figure out for the court.  
It helps but only so much – Mordred misses being a knight in more than occasionally being on the trainings field.  
And since most knights come from Uther´s regiment and are still doubtful around magic Arthur has to cut Mordreds training session short too.  
Right now they are sitting in Merlins new chambers on the floor. On the first glance his chambers are looking a little bit like Gaius´. On a second glance you can see that most things on his work tables are moving on their own and that the tinctures have unnatural colors. And of course the big bed on one side of the room.  
Mordred believes that if he´s to learn new spells and enchantments his magic will have something to focus on, something to force it into control.  
Merlin is not sure how plausible that is, but he is willing to help if Mordred really believes it to be working. Which he does.  
So they find themselves nearly every day together in Merlins chambers a book of magic between them searching for spells neither of them knows so they both have something new to learn.  
In retrospect a spell to create lightning out of nowhere – more for Mordreds sake since he is pretty fascinated with Merlins ability to do that – was bound to go wrong. They should have done the rainbow lights.  
As soon as Mordred was done muttering the memorized words Merlins chambers were exploring in bright light und loud noises.  
Merlin squints his eyes shut and thought for a moment that the light was surely bright enough to make him go blind before forcing himself to reopen his eyes and searching for Mordred.  
Mordred still sits in front of Merlin with white light surrounding him, making him look even paler than normal. Merlin can´t see anything else –everything apart from Mordred in the centre of light is swallowed by brightness.   
With Mordreds voice in his head (You helped.) he crawls the few meters forward till he´s sitting directly in front of Mordred and can reach out a hand to touch him.  
The moment Merlin makes contract with Mordred hot pain shoots through his body and he can´t conceal a cry of pain. Still – he just forces himself to grip Mordreds shoulder tighter ignoring everything apart from his need to calm Mordred down to make this spectacle end.  
“Mordred!”, he has to shout to be heard over the loud noises. “Mordred, you have to calm down!”  
Mordreds eyes are unfocussed and wide with something like panic as he stares at Merlin. Merlin has the chilling feeling that Mordred sees right through him, like he doesn´t even notice that Merlin is there.  
Desperate Merlin reaches out again and takes Mordreds head between his hands, tries to force him to make eye contact.  
“Mordred”, he says, quieter now because he can´t scream with those fearful eyes staring at him. “Mordred, it´s okay.”  
Merlin swallows heavily, gripping Mordreds face tighter between his palms without quiet knowing how to actually calm him down. They should have talked more about this –whatever this is.  
Last time something serious as this as happened – outside on the trainings field – is was the half hug that made Mordred come back to his senses completely, Merlin remembers.   
Without further thought Merlin lets his fingertips glide into Mordreds hair and brings his face to his shoulder. One hand leaves Mordreds face and wrappes itself around Mordreds back. It´s an awkward angle that must hurt Mordreds back if they keep themselves in this position long but Merlin can feel Mordred slowly calming down.  
The light starts to faint and Merlin can make out his bed on the other side of the room again. The noises too are starting to weaken.  
“Shh”, Merlin whispers, “Mordred, shh, it´s okay. I´m here, okay? You´re alright, everything is alright. Shh –“  
Merlin is not even sure what exactly he´s saying but it seems to help because he can feel Mordreds heartbeat gradually starting to slow down.  
The light is nearly gone when Mordred starts to separate himself from Merlin. There´s just a faint unnatural glow hanging in the air around them.  
“I’m sorry”, Mordred mummers low and shameful, looking at the floor rather than Merlins eyes.   
“It´s not your fault”, Merlins says convinced because that’s the one think he is sure of in this whole fiasco. “But we need to do something. It can´t go on like this.”  
Mordred swallows audibly and nods. Merlin can see him shaking slightly; his hands are trembling as he pressing them against his thighs no matter how much he wants them to stay still.  
“Hey”, Merlin reaches out again and takes one of Mordreds hands into his. “Are you okay?”  
Mordred nods for a moment before deciding better and starting to shake his head. His hand grasps Merlins desperately.   
“We´re going to figure something out”, Merlin says and puts as much conviction in his voices as he manages. “Together, okay?”  
Mordred nods again before taking a deep breath and finally looking up. He takes one look at Merlins chambers – the loud noises came seemingly from Merlins things destroying themselves thoroughly. Mordred closes his eyes and makes a low pained noise.  
“Merlin – I´m – I´m so sorry”  
“It´s not your fault”, Merlin repeats but he can see that that does nothing to reassure Mordred. “Hey – I can repair that without a problem, you know that”, he says even though they both know that that´s not quite the truth – some of Merlins experiments can´t be restored this easily if ever. Merlin hopes that Mordred can bring himself to forget that.  
“It´s alright”, he says again and Mordred nods again and then they sit in silence in Merlins nearly destroyed room till the last flicker of light vanishes.

3.  
Even through Merlin tells no one – not even Arthur –about what happened in his chambers and even through he´s fairly certain that Mordred didn’t tell anyone either it only takes one day for the whole castle to know.  
Arthur summons Merlin on the day after the incident and asks in clear words whether Merlin thinks Mordred is going to be a problem or not. Merlin says not and goes without another word.  
Mordred is waiting outside Arthurs chambers for him, looking small and for the first time since he arrived in Camelot and became a knight looks as young as he actually is.  
“Are you sure that you answered truthfully?”, he asks and falls into step with Merlin. Merlin shoots him a bemused glance.   
“Did you just spy on the king and his Court Sorcerer?”, he asks playful and is strangely delighted to see Mordred blush bright red.  
“I – yes”, Mordred admits and Merlin grins.  
“Treason”, he murmurs low and bumps his shoulder into Mordreds.  
Mordred starts grinning too, recognizing his playful tone as what it is – an attempt at cheering him up. “Please don´t tell the king”, he says dramatically and lays a hand on his heart.  
“But I have to!”, Merlin matches his tone Mordreds dramatic one and they burst into laughing. It´s a little bit hysterical – they are both still shaken form what happened yesterday.  
They walk in comfortable silence after their childish outburst in direction of Mordreds chambers without talking about it – Merlin knows that Mordred needs a few days before feeling comfortable in Merlins chambers again and Merlin would have his chambers rather as much restored as he can before having Mordred coming in again. There is no need for Mordred to feel any more guilty then he already does.  
As soon as Mordreds chamber door is closed behind them he seems to slump into himself. Merlin sits gingerly down on Mordreds bed and waits for him to start this conversation.  
After a moment he does take a deep breath and sits down next to Merlin. He can see how exhausted Mordred looks like he didn’t sleep at all last night – which he probably didn’t. Even Merlin needed a long time till he was finally able to fall asleep.  
“I´m sorry for what happened yesterday”, Mordred says finally. “I don´t know what went wrong.”  
Merlin nods. “It´s really not your fault”, he says because he thinks it´s important that Mordred knows and understands that.   
Mordred swallows. “It feels like it is. It´s my magic – I should have it under control.”  
Merlin reaches for Mordreds hand and drags it into his lap. Some part of his minds notices that it seems to become a daily occurrence for them to hold hands. And that it´s somehow always Merlin that starts.  
“It´s not always that way, is it?”, he asks.”Your magic still does what you want, yes?”  
“Yes”, Mordred answers. “It´s not that I lost fully control about what my magic does. Spells that I know and use often work as well as always.”  
“Okay”, Merlin nods. “Do you notice any difference when those … incidents happen?”  
“What are you thinking about?”  
“Well”, Merlin says and starts absentmindedly stroking Mordreds knuckles with his fingers. “There has to be something that triggers those … attacks. They can´t come from nowhere – not as trained as you are.”  
“I don´t know”, Mordred sounds defeated.  
“Before I came to Camelot”, Merlin says and hopes that Mordred will understand, “my magic reacted to what I was feeling. I had near to no control about what exactly it did before Gaius gave me my book and started teaching me. I wished for something, it happened. I felt strongly about something – something happened.”  
“Many magical children experience that”, Mordred says and nods. “But I should be well over that state.”  
“Maybe, but I wasn´t exactly a child anymore when I came to Camelot. And I know that you trained your magic since forever to obey your will and not your feelings but –maybe it´s still something like that.”  
Mordred sighs next to him and Merlin decides to push him a little further. “Are you feeling strongly when it happens?”, even if he believes to know the answer. Mordreds terrified eyes are not something that is easy to forget. But Mordred needs to know too.  
Mordred wets his lips and his hand in Merlins lap jerks a little bit. “Yes.”  
“What are you feeling?”  
“Fear”, Mordred says as if he´s admitting a shameful secret. He´s staring straight ahead and Merlin can see the tension in his shoulders.  
“What do you fear?”, he asks gentle but Mordred just shakes his head slightly.  
“Before I came to Camelot, when I was still a Druid I had an strange illness. The Druid healer called it panic attacks, which would befall me randomly. Sometimes several times a day, sometimes not for weeks. They started shortly after you and Arthur brought me back to the Druids. Shortly after my father died. The Druid healers believed it may have something to do with it”, Mordred says slowly. “They got worse after the camps were attacked by Camelot knights.”  
Mordred takes a deep breath before continuing. “I don´t know what I fear. Everything. Something I can´t quite name.”  
“What does it feel like?”, Merlin asks. He has seen panic attacks before. Some knights that come back after a battle, some citizen after the dragon attack. It´s not something Gaius has a remedy for no matter how much the people plead and beg for it to stop.  
“Like – I can´t breathe. I feel like I´m suffocating, like there isn’t enough air in the whole world for one single breath. I feel like –like I´m dying, sometimes. Like the only emotion I will ever experience again is panic and fear and drowning.”  
Merlin grips Mordreds hand tighter.  
“Normally – before I came to Camelot it was just my body that rebelled. I can´t tell you what triggered those attacks. Sometimes there really was something – news from knights close to the camp, the smell of fire and burnt body’s – animals but I didn’t always register that. Sometimes there were really little things that shouldn’t have stressed me. The color red that reminded me of Camelot. The sound of metal smashing together. And sometimes it was nothing at all. Nothing I could perceive.”  
Another deep breath.  
“But my magic has never reacted that way before. Not in my worst panic attacks were I actually fell unconscious has my magic slashed out like that.”  
“But you still think that´s what´s happening to you?”  
Mordred nods slowly. “The moment’s it´s happening I feel exactly like I do when I have one of those attacks.”  
“Do you know what triggers them here?”, Merlin asks slowly. “Or – is it just being in Camelot?”   
“No – no I feel strangely comfortable here in Camelot. Even if I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t.”  
There quiet after that, before Merlin musters all his courage and speaks again. “I know that I have done terrible things to you in the past, Mordred, and I know that you said that you have forgiven me – but I understand if there is still some … discontent from your side. And even apart from that – you´re walking every day through the courtyard where your father and so many other people you may have known died”, Merlin pauses for a moment and is painfully aware of Mordreds stare, “I have hoped that we have found some kind of companionship, maybe even friendship if I dare to say so, and that you have found someone you can confide in in me. If that´s not the case I understand, really, I do – I just hope that there is someone who can help you. No matter what the problem is.”  
“I trust you, Merlin. Emrys”, Mordred says after a few seconds silence. “I do. And I like to think that we have found some kind of friendship too. If – if there is something I need help with I´m going to come to you. Especially if it´s of magical nature. This is just – I don´t even know myself what the problem is, much less what kind of help I require.”  
Merlin nods.  
__  
It´s actually just an hour later that a servant stumbles into his chambers just as Merlin fixes the last of his possessions that can be saved. He´s out of breathe, obviously ran through at least half the castle to find him.  
“It´s – Sir Mordred –“, is everything he says before Merlin is standing in front of him without even noticing that he moved.   
“Where?”, he asks sharp because he doesn’t need to ask after the what.  
“Armory.”  
Merlin wastes no more time for further questions, just concentrates on the armory and lets his magic do the rest. It´s no more than two seconds before he vanishes in front of the servants eyes and reappears in the armory.  
Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Arthur, Gwaine, Percival and Kay standing useless at the wall of the armory. Arthur looks like he wants to step forward more than anything and do something, anything to help Mordred but is caught in the fear of making things worse. Merlin knows that Arthur is quite fond of his youngest knight –sees him maybe even as a little brother to teach things to and to protect. He knows that Arthur hates seeing anyone like this – hurt and helpless- but even more so people that he has come to care about.  
Mordred is sitting on a bench, bend over and hands in his hair, pulling. Without further prompt he steps forward and ignores the sharp intake of breathe from the knights that didn´t noticed him before.  
He kneels in front of Mordred and notices subsidiary how all weapons are shacking on the wall and a few that have already fallen down. It´s not nearly as bad as it was the two times before but Merlin knows that it can get worse if Mordred is not calming down.  
He rather has no flying weapons in a room full of people.   
He also remembers his last conversation with Mordred all to well (I can´t breathe. I feel like I´m suffocating. Like I´m dying.) and now that he knows what he deals with he can see that Mordreds in the middle of a panic attack.  
“Hey”, he whispers, remembering what Gaius did for people that came with that kind of problem to him and the few things he´s told Merlin how to help, “Mordred, hey, everything is okay, really, I promise, okay?”  
He takes Mordreds hands and untangles them from his hair to stop him from hurting himself. “You´re safe here, darling, I protect you from anything, yeah?” Merlin doesn´t even know where the endearment came from but as soon as Merlin says it Mordreds eyes open and focus themselves on Merlins face.   
“Just breathe”, he says and holds his eyes. “I know you can, Mordred.”  
Mordred nods shakily and gasps for air. It sounds painful and harsh and makes Merlin cringe inadvertently.   
“Merlin –“, Mordred mumbles and squeezes his fingers weakly. Without knowing why and how he knows that it´s that what Mordred needs right now he leans forward and entwines Mordred in a careful hug.  
He can feel Mordred relax ever so slightly against him and hug him equally careful back. The weapons have stopped shacking but he doesn´t loosens his hold.  
Above Mordreds shoulder he can see the knights and the king watching them but Merlin pays them no mind. 

4.  
He brings Mordred to his chambers as soon as he calmed down enough to take the walk. He keeps his arm wrapped around Mordreds waist and shoots everyone who dares to send them strange looks a warning glare.  
Nobody says anything or tries to stop them.  
In his chambers Merlin maneuvers Mordred onto his bed and coaxes him into laying down. He curls slightly into himself but keeps his eyes open.  
Merlin can´t bring himself to just leave him alone so he sits next to him onto the bed. “Is it okay if I stay?”  
“Yes”, Mordred breathes and swallows. “Thank you.”  
“You´re welcome.”  
They sit in even silence for a while before Merlin can´t stop the question from coming anymore. “What happened back there?”  
Mordred closes his eyes but it´s clear that he doesn’t try to shut Merlin out. “I panicked – Arthur forbade me to come with him to patrol again – but there might be a magical threat and I always come with to look for this kind of thing, you know that – it´s what makes me valuable as a knight for Arthur and if I can´t do that anymore because my magic doesn’t obey me anymore then –“  
Merlin puts a soothing hand on Mordreds back as Mordreds breathe becomes faster again.   
“All right?”  
Mordred gasps for air and nods. “Yes –yes, of course.”  
Merlin keeps still for a moment before deciding to ignore that doubtful statement. “Arthur values you, Mordred. And if he keeps you away from patrol then not because he doesn’t finds you useful anymore or something like that. I have enough experience with him to know that he is most likely just worried – not about the other knights or their opinions but rather about you. He doesn’t understand magic, not really, no matter how hard he tries to. He understands even less about your situation then we are. For all he knows your magic could backfire while on patrol – while a magical beast is right in front of you. He´s scared of you hurting yourself –scared of not being able to help because he doesn’t know enough of magic to do so.”  
Merlin can see Mordred calming while he speaks, he can see his breathing becoming even again, can see him stop shaking.  
“We´re going to figure this out. And when we did Arthur will welcome you back on patrols with open arms and will even come up with something that needs to be examined to make up for the patrols you missed.”  
Mordred smiles at that. “Thank you, Merlin. I don´t know what I would do without you.”  
\--  
It´s been nearly two weeks since the incident in the armory and while the castle staff is still wary around Mordred, the knights begin to relax around him again. Arthur even wanted Merlins opinion whether it was safe for Mordred to come to patrols again or not.  
Merlin held several conversations with Gaius about panic attacks and how to recognize them, how to help the affected person to calm down and how to prevent them from happening altogether.   
It´s not that much and Merlin wishes he could prepare himself better but it is all he has. In Gaius many books are next to no useful information.  
Furthermore Merlin has come to spend all his time that he doesn´t sit with Arthur to explain new magic information he doesn’t understand to him or has to waste in boring council meetings with Mordred.  
Regardless to whether watch him train with the other knights, learning new magic with him or to just sit in his or Merlin chambers talking. They eat nearly every meal together these days and sometimes they talk till it´s deep night.  
While they avoid anything that has to do with Mordreds losses and his panic attacks because it makes Mordred well unwell they know each other better than they would have thought they would get to know the other. It´s nice being so close friends with another magic user. It´s not something Merlin has ever had before and finds himself enjoying their open talks about magic more than anything else.  
Of course he can talk about magic with Arthur and even Guinevere too – but there is so much the both of them still don´t understand, not through their fault of course, that it is difficult to fall into an easy conversation. And it´s different to talk to someone who has felt the rush of magic themselves than to someone who has only read about it.  
Merlin gladly admits that he finds himself in some sort of denial. Mordred seemed fine apart from tiny little things in which were no uncontrolled magic involved. And Mordred said that he had a similar problem before and was able to overcome it. Why couldn’t it be the same now?  
But of course it isn’t. So when Mordred stumbles into his chambers nearly two weeks after his last bad panic attack in the armory in the middle of the night Merlin can´t say he´s surprised. He had hoped but he also knew that there was a high possibility for this to be happening again.  
As it is he finds himself roughly awoken by his chamber door slamming into the wall. He´s glad that Arthur fight instincts have not yet rubbed off on him.   
Merlin knows that Mordred is still intimidated by him and his magic. The whole Emrys and him being the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth thing still frightens Mordred sometimes, Merlin knows, even if Mordred would never admit it. Sometimes Merlin can even see the hero worship in Mordreds eyes that were there when he was still a child.  
So – attacking Mordred with his magic while he´s in the middle of a panic attack would probably not end well.  
Merlin needs a few predacious seconds to untangle himself from his heavy blanket before he is able to move toward Mordred.  
Mordred is deadly pale and looks like he´s just seen a ghost. He´s trembling and Merlin doesn´t know if it´s from invisible terror or from the chilly night air. His eyes are unfocussed as they look at Merlin but he seems to recognize him.   
“My chamber are –“ Mordred makes a vague gesticulation that probably means something like “destroyed” if former incidents are anything to go by.  
“What happened?”, Merlin asks softly before guessing himself. “Nightmare?”  
Mordred nods before pressing a shaking hand into his face.  
“Are you okay?”, Merlin asks and comes to halt directly in front of him.   
Mordred shakes his head. “I´m sorry I woke you. I just – I don’t know where else to go and I don´t want to explore my whole room –“  
“It´s alright”, Merlin says because he can see how uncomfortable Mordred feels. Even if he´s young and even if they´re kin – Mordred is still a knight. Merlin forgets sometimes how stupidly proud knights can be.   
He approaches Mordred even closer till their body’s nearly connect. Then he leans forward till their foreheads touch and all he can see is Mordreds bright blue eyes. He can feel Mordred hands coming up and grasp onto Merlins upper arms.  
They stand like that for a few long minutes – just being in each other presence without personal boundaries till Mordred takes a deep breath and withdraws somewhat. He´s bright red.  
“You are very welcome to say no if it makes you feel uncomfortable”, Merlin says and searches for Mordreds eyes again. “But you can stay the rest of the night with me if you want.”  
Mordred stills for a few seconds before he nods. “If it doesn’t cause you any problems or discomfort –“  
“Not at all”, Merlin says and smiles reassuring.  
He creates a small bed for Mordred and makes it as soft and comfortable as he can manage this late in the night.  
It´s a long time till either of them falls into a restless sleep.

5.  
It becomes a daily occurrence after that. Merlin doesn’t vanish the bed and Mordred comes every evening in Merlins chambers to have dinner together. He doesn’t leave after that.  
It doesn’t get worse, not particularly, not to how it was before – but Mordred becomes withdrawn and doesn’t talk to anyone anymore. He doesn’t ask Arthur to join the patrols and his presence on the trainings field becomes a rare event. He doesn’t appear at council meetings or meetings of the Round Table anymore with the excuse of not feeling well.  
He eats barley and there are dark bruises beneath his eyes.   
Merlin is worried and watches from the sidelines for one week before he snaps.  
He tracks Mordred down – sitting in some alcove staring out the window – and drags him unceremonial to Gaius chambers. Mordred protests and tries to wriggle out of his hold but Merlin forces him by all means – including using magic - to bring him along.  
Once arrived he forced Mordred on one of the benches before letting Gaius check him over. As expected Gaius can´t find anything wrong and Merlin is disappointed on the lack of process but not surprised.  
What surprises him are Mordreds next words.  
“I have thought about leaving Camelot.”  
Merlin can´t stop himself from snapping because he´s worried and tense and doesn’t know what to do.  
“And what? Go to Morgana?”  
Mordred flinches and Merlin regrets his word immediately. He knows that Mordred is loyal to both him and Arthur and that Morganas ideals hold no claim about him.  
“I´m sorry”, he says quickly but notices Mordreds breathing becoming uneven again. His finger are clenching around the bench and his eyes are closed.  
Ignoring Gaius disapproving look he kneels in front of Mordred and encloses Mordreds face between his palms.   
“Hey- I´m sorry”, he whispers. “Mordred, please, look at me?”, he knows that he sounds pleading but he can´t bring himself to care. Mordreds eyes open slowly and he looks at Merlin.  
“You know I didn´t mean that, yeah? I´m sorry I said that – I am, I truly am –“  
Mordred nods and brings his hands up to cup Merlins on his face. “Yes – I know.”  
“Good”, Merlin mummers and strokes Mordreds cheek absentminded, searching in his eyes for any clues that he´s lying. He finds none.   
“Merlin?”, Gaius interrupts their little moment and Merlin slowly sinks back to his heels, taking his hands from Mordreds face. “Can I ask you to leave?”  
“What? Why? I said I´m sorry –“  
“Yes, you did”, Gaius says. “But I´d like to ask Mordred a few personal questions.”  
Merlin frowns and turns to stare at Gaius whose eyebrows are climbing dangerously close to his hairline. Merlin stands up.  
“Fine”, he mummers and knows that he sounds like a irritated child.  
The door closes behind him with a soft click and he´s tempted for a moment to stay and listen eitherway before he decides to respect Mordreds privacy. Maybe he´s lucky and Mordred will tell him later what Gaius wanted.  
As it is he slowly makes his way towards Arthur’s chambers to talk about a few speeches with him.  
\--  
Mordred doesn´t tell him what Gaius wanted. He´s just quiet and – stares at Merlin a lot. Merlin gets the feeling that they talked about him even if he can´t quite understand why they would to that.  
It leaves Merlin restless and waiting for the next catastrophe to come.  
It´s one evening a few days later as they sit by dinner that Merlin actually remembers Mordreds words. He doesn’t know how he could have forgotten them but maybe it is because he didn’t want to remember.  
“Were you serious? About leaving Camelot?”, he asks and watches Mordred behind his eyelashes.  
The boy swallows his food and keeps his eyes on the table.  
“Yes.”  
“Why?”, is all Merlin can ask.  
“We both don´t know what´s wrong with me, Merlin. And we both don’t know how to stop it – how to stop my magic from destroying everything as soon as I feel bad. And while as far nothing – nothing really serious has happened doesn’t mean it doesn’t will if I stay”, he looks up at least and stares at Merlin, “I don’t want to hurt innocent people because I can´t control myself.”  
“You won´t”, Merlin says and reaches above the table for Mordreds hand.”I know you won´t.”  
“Do you?”, Mordreds smile is bitter as he stares at their hands. “I didn’t know you could look into the future, Emrys.”  
Merlin grimaces at the name but gives no other reaction.  
They eat in silence after that even though they don’t take their hands away.  
\--  
It happens at the market place. They are here because Merlin begged Mordred to come with him – he couldn’t stand watching Mordred isolating himself any longer.   
He notices the people staring at them, of course he does, they are pretty obvious but he really hadn’t thought that they would go any further than that. Magic is allowed in Camelot for nearly a year by now and while many people can´t forget the many, many years of Uthers heart regime and his many, many hate speeches against sorcerers magic is mostly accepted or at least tolerated by now. Arthur has made sure to address the concerns of his people and has assured them as good as he could that magic would bring them no harm.  
And those who couldn’t live with magic mostly left Camelot.  
It´s why he didn’t thought that the citizen would have such an bad reaction to Mordred in their middle. He also hadn’t thought that much of Mordreds condition had reached the ears of those people – but maybe that’s part of the problem. Rumors can be so much worse than the truth.  
As they walk out of the castle people are staring. Their glances vary from hateful to frightened. Merlin tries his best to keep Mordred occupied enough to ignore the people around them but he´s honestly not sure how good it´s working.   
After a while Merlin notices the whispers. He can´t understand what they´re saying and he´s pretty sure he doesn’t want to. Little children point their fingers at them and parents scold them halfhearted for the offense. When they weren’t knight and Court Sorcerer Merlin is pretty sure the adults would point at them too.  
“Do you wanna go back?”, he asks at least because no matter how much of a distraction Merlin tries to provide Mordred had to be blind and deaf to miss this. And they both know that they are talking and staring at Mordred. And they both know why.  
“No”, Mordred says. His smile looks painfully forced. “You need to get those swords for Arthur. Even if I don’t understand why you fetch them. Arthur has a perfectly healthy new manservant, you know?”  
Merlin smiles. “Gwen and I feel safer if we know that nobody messes with Arthurs swords. Too many traitors in the past, you know?”  
“I´ve heard stories.” Mordreds smile looks realer now and Merlin is momentarily confused at how happy that makes him.   
Of course that’s the moment everything goes to hell.  
Someone from the crowd – Merlin can´t see who – screams something Merlin can´t quite understand at them. From the tone alone Merlin can guess that it isn’t something nice. And as if this was some kind of go-ahead other people start screaming insults too.  
Without any further thought Merlin grasps Mordreds arm and turns them both around towards the castle. He ponders in his head whether or not to tell Arthur about this – it´s important for him to know when his people are still against magic but he doesn’t want him too angry (or distraught) by the thought of his citizen verbally abusing his youngest knight. And he doesn’t want the situation to get any worse for Mordred by Arthur clinging himself onto Mordreds coat-tails like the overprotective fool he can be.  
It´s not until Mordred clutches onto his hand that he notices something seriously wrong with him. As it is Merlin can barley catch Mordred before his legs give out under him.  
They fall both to the floor, Merlin trying to soften the impact for Mordred as much as the physically can.  
Mordreds breathing is already so shallow that Merlin knows he is likely to pass out any time soon. For a moment Merlin can feel panic rising in his throat too – they are in public in front of dozen of citizen and if anything goes wrong – and what if Mordred is really passing out? What if the lack of air will damage something in Mordreds brain and it will all be Merlins fault because they´re just here because of him and – Merlin forces himself to take a deep breath. He can´t lose his nerve too now – Mordred needs him to stay calm and handle the situation.   
His hands are still shaking as he reaches out for Mordred. He hopes deadly that his usual methods of calming Mordred down will work this times too but he has the sickening feeling that they won´t.  
Mordreds been so stressed and worried the last weeks that that probably build up inside him and makes the situation worse than it actually would be. Merlin doesn’t think that the opinion of some strangers would mean so much to him normally.   
And Merlin wasn´t fast enough to register what was going on with him to proper help him and avoid it from getting in this bad state.  
“Mordred, darling, don’t listen to them, okay?”, he whispers, making sure to keep his tone calm and reassuring. “They don´t know you. They don’t matter, yes? ”  
Mordred doesn’t seem to hear him and Merlin can hear the whispers getting louder again. He would like to shout at them to shut the fuck up but he can´t take his focus away from Mordred.   
“Mordred please-“, he says and takes Mordreds face between his palms again because that worked all the times before too and because he hopes it will Mordred help to just focus on him. “It´s alright, breathe, in and out –“  
He hears something crash nearby and people scream out. He knows somehow without a doubt that Mordreds magic is responsible.  
That is it in the end that makes Merlin lose control of his emotions. If anything serious was to happen while Merlin couldn’t talk Mordred out of his panic attack – they are still in the middle of a crowded market place and Merlin is well aware that people gathered around them to see what´s happening. If Mordreds magic would do something dangerous here around all of these people someone was bound to get hurt. And even if they are lucky and it won´t be serious – Arthur would have to do something. Because, while magic is allowed it´s still illegal to use magic for bad things – like hurting and killing other people.  
And even if Arthur would manage to get around an heavy punishment like banishing which he certainly could as he is the king and Merlin knows very fond of his young knight, Mordred would leave Camelot on his own decision as he told Merlin before.  
The thought of seeing Mordred go is somehow worse than the thought of some (relatively) innocent person getting hurt.   
It makes him lunge forward and press his lips against Mordred´s in an awkward kiss.  
As first kisses go this has to be one of the worst. God, one of them can´t even breathe right now. Merlin wonders for a terrible moment if this counts as harassment when Mordred starts moving.  
One hand cups the back of Merlins head and brings him even closer while Mordred starts to kiss him back.  
The crashing sounds stop immediately.  
When they part they are both out of breath but this time in a good way. Mordreds eyes are clear and he stares at Merlin with so many emotions that Merlin can´t even begin and try to discern them all.   
“I´m sorry”, he breathes, “If this was something you didn’t want – I didn’t mean to take advantage of you.”  
“You didn´t”, Mordred mummers clearly still breathless, “I – I don’t mind kissing you.”  
“Yeah?”, Merlin whispers back and smiles. Kissing Mordred is not something that has been on the front of his mind but Merlin finds that he doesn’t mind either.  
“Yeah.”  
They stare at each other for a few moments longer. The people around them are silent, probably shocked from the picture of them kissing.  
Then Mordred blinks. “Is – is someone hurt?”  
Merlin blinks too and together they stand up to look for any damage and how to repair it. The whole time they don’t let go of each other’s hands.

\+ 1  
The damage is not much – a few barrels have fallen down and spilled their content all over the ground, a window shattered and pieces of broken glass flew through the air. The worst wound was a few cuts that Gaius could easily attend to.   
Arthur was quick to perform damage control and to hold reassuring speeches in front of Camelots citizen. Mordred had to stay inside the castle of a while to let the whole thing being lived down.  
Mordred didn’t mind all that much. He was not that fond of going outside again either way and preferred it to stay inside his safe walls. Of course there were still the servants and the other members of the castle staff that treated Mordred wary and with barely concealed fear.   
Merlin ushered them all away and took care of all things Mordred needed help with. It wasn’t all that much anyway because Mordred was used to take care of himself from his time by the Druids. And Merlin didn’t mind fetching firewood for him or ordering breakfast for two.  
They didn’t separate much these first days after Mordreds panic attack, partly because of the kiss and all the things implied with it and partly because Merlin grew nervous if he didn’t saw Mordred for a long time.  
It still takes two days for them to actually talk about the kiss rather than just stare at each other trying to read the others thoughts.   
They´re in Merlins rooms again, somehow finding themselves lying in Merlins bed next to each other staring at the ceiling.   
It´s Mordred who starts the conversation. He´s rather blunt about it.  
“Why did you kiss me?”  
Merlin needs a moment before he finds himself able to answer. “I panicked.”  
“Why´s that?”  
“I thought about you leaving Camelot when something bad would have happened.”  
Mordred shifts next to him before asking the next question. “Because you fear I would go to Morgana? Fulfill the prophecy you´ve seen?”  
“No”, Merlin whispers appalled. He raises himself on this elbow to stare at Mordred. “No,of course not. You know I didn’t mean what I said in Gaius chamber, right? You said you do.”  
“Yes”, Mordred says softly but keeps staring at the ceiling.”But why else would you panic at the thought of me leaving?”  
“Because of me!”, Merlin blurs. “Because you can´t just leave me!”  
It´s only then that Mordred drags his eyes away from the ceiling to stare at Merlin. “No?”  
Merlin doesn´t answer. He just leans forward til there are only millimeters between their lips. Mordred stares up at him but Merlin can´t find any disgust or uneasiness in his eyes.   
“Do you want this?”, Merlin asks because he needs to be sure and he doesn’t want to force Mordred into something he might not want.   
“Yes, please”, Mordred whispers and Merlin can feel his breathe on his lips. It makes a fine shiver run down his spine.  
“Then kiss me”, Merlin mummers and lets his eyes wander to Mordreds lips.  
Mordred moves the few millimeters that separates them easily and without hesitation. Their kiss is sweet and much, much better than their first one even if it only lasts a few seconds.  
Somehow Mordreds hands have found their way into Merlins hair without Merlin noticing. He feels it clearly now that there are no soft lips on his own to distract him.   
They only separate enough to be able to look into each other’s eyes. It´s not much and Merlin can feel Mordreds breathe. It´s nice.  
“What does that mean?”, Mordred asks at least and his tone is something between hopeful and nervous.  
“What do you want it to mean?”, Merlin asks back because he is really scared of making something out of this that it´s not.  
Mordred is still young, just nineteen years old and easily influenceable. And Merlin knows that Mordred still feels some of the hero-worship from his earlier years for him and he needs to be sure that this isn’t something that he has pressured Mordred into. He needs to know where Mordred stands in this before making any decisions or letting any feelings overcome him.   
“I want –“, Mordred interrupts himself and licks his lips. Merlins glance is inexorable drawn to the movement. It seems to give Mordred confidence.   
“I want to keep kissing you”, he says at least.  
Merlin decides to go with that and leans down again.  
\--  
“Gaius thinks my panic attacks are your fault”, Mordred says later that day after hours and hours of kissing.  
Merlin turns from where he´s standing at his table and frowns.”What?”  
Mordred, still laying in bed, turns his head to look at Merlin. “You remember that time Gaius threw you out to ask me personal questions?” Merlin nods and moves towards the bed again. Arthur and his godforsaken speeches will have to wait a little longer. As soon as he sits down Mordred curls to his side facing Merlin.   
“Why would it be my fault?”, Merlin asks again and feels something like fear rising up into him. “Why would I make you panic that bad?”  
“It´s not you personally”, Mordred says and smiles. “It´s what you do to me.”  
“What I do to you?”, Merlin repeats clueless.   
“Yes”, Mordred says.  
Merlin raises his eyebrow in the best imitation of Gaius he can. “Well?”, he asks and pokes Mordred into the stomach. “What did I do?”  
Mordred has the insolence of looking amused. “It´s because of my feelings for you.”  
Merlin pokes him again. “Can you maybe envelop that a little bit? Please?”  
“When you kiss me”, Mordred says cheekily and grins. Merlin can´t help but roll his as fondly at the younger boy before learning down and kissing him again.   
“Now tell me”, he orders softly afterwards.  
“Gaius believes that when I think too much about you, my feelings start to act up and I begin to panic as a result. It´s not something that would normally happen but since my body is used to react with panic because of my childhood –“  
“And why are your feelings acting up?”  
Mordred blushes bright red at that and turns his face into the pillows. “Hey”, Merlin mummers, frowns and pokes Mordred again. “What is it?”  
Mordred stays still and Merlin feels something akin to fear rise in his throat. “Am I making your feelings acting up again?”  
It makes Mordred react, maybe because he can hear the worry in Merlins voice.  
“No”, he says muffled. “I´m embarrassed.”  
“Why?”, Merlins asks honestly puzzled und moves to lay down next to Mordred. “It can´t be that bad surely.”  
Mordred says something in his pillows and Merlin pokes him again. “You know I can´t understand you like that.”  
Mordred lifts his face out of the cushions. “Because I might be a little bit in love with you.” Then he throws himself back down again without waiting for an reaction.  
It´s not that Merlin has thought about Mordred in that way – romantically and maybe even sexually – much before. Not even in the last weeks since the incident on the trainings field even through the have spend much more time together after that. But it would also be a lie to say that he hasn’t thought about kissing Mordred before. In the end it´s not hard to answer him and it feels like it´s the truth.  
“I might be a little bit in love with you too.”  
In the next moment Mordred is laying on top of him and kissing him breathless again. They have both stupid smiles on their faces and Merlin can honestly say that this feels right. Like it was meant to be.   
“I still don´t understand”, he whispers against Mordreds lips after some time of mindless kissing. “You know we need to get your magic under control again, right? So you have to tell me.”  
Mordred nods. “It´s because of you, really. You remember the thing on the trainings grounds? I was already worked up because of something – I don´t even remember what – and then I saw you sitting there and freaked out because I just ribbed those dummy to shreds with my sword and that was pretty aggressive and brutal, right? I didn’t even want to know what you thought of my in that moment – and with the lighting spell? I know you love that spell and I wanted to impress you and I overthought things and – I´m sure you remember the result.”  
Mordred interrupts himself shortly to think. Merlin let´s him and tries not to get too offended. “And in the armory after Arthur told me I had to stay back I thought of you and what you would think if I can´t be useful for your king anymore – because let´s face it Arthur and your destiny means like everything to you. And I knew that you wouldn’t think badly of me because of it but I also thought about the pressure I would be putting on you if you had to take care of those magical searches or had to find someone new to take care of it.”  
Another short pause.  
“I was dreaming about you dying the first night I came to you after a nightmare. I didn’t even mean to wake you but my magic pushed your door open. I just wanted to see you and make sure you´re okay and – alive. And in the market place – I don´t know I think it was just too much to hear them say all those things with you right beside me and hearing them too and all the pressure that´s been building up –“  
Merlin starts stroking Mordreds hair as he can feel him starting to get worked up again. “I overthink things too much, I know that. Sometimes I can´t help it.”   
“Well, you need to stop”, Merlin says against Mordreds lips. “I´m here, okay? I love you and I won´t think any less of you because of some trifles. I won´t.”  
“I know.”  
“Yes?”  
“Yes. And I know you´ll be there for me if I need you to.”


End file.
